On July 24th we had our appointment with the maternal-fetal specialist. I was so nervous before the appointment. David came with me and our wonderful neighbor watched the other kids. It was hard to know what to wish for or to pray for at this point in time. I remember thinking: Should we pray for a miracle? A mistake with the blood test? Should we pray that if our baby has Trisomy 13 that it won't be that bad? That she will live?
We got to the doctor's office and we were put in an ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech came in and she asked us if we knew why we were there? That was such an unusual question for me. It took me back. I was trying really hard not to cry yet. I wanted to cry out in despair that there might be something wrong with our baby and she might die, but I managed to keep it together and say that the Panorama test I took came back with a high risk for Trisomy 13 and that is why we were there. The ultrasound tech said that she was going to look and see if there were any markers and then discuss the results with the doctor. She began the ultrasound. It was so different from any of the other ultrasounds I had experienced with any of my other babies except the one after my miscarriage in 2011. It was so quite. It wasn't the cute: "this is baby's heart, and here are the hands, feet, and face." She didn't say anything just took pictures and typed. It was hard to tell what we were seeing on the ultrasound screen without the tech explaining. I know that she probably wasn't supposed to try to explain that was for the specialist, the doctor to do. I was silent too. Just watching our baby move on the screen. I did think I saw an extra finger or toe though. When she typed gender on the screen I asked if it was a boy? She said that it looked like girl to her. That was all we said during the whole ultrasound.
The ultrasound tech finished and said that she need to show the pictures to the doctor and then the doctor would be in to talk with us. It was a long, quite wait.
The specialist came in and introduced herself, then she asked that same question again... Do you know why you are here? Then she told us that some markers had been found on the ultrasound. I started to cry and was trying really hard to listen to every word she said but everything that she was saying seemed so unreal to me like I was dreaming and this couldn't really be happening.
After she told us what they saw on the ultrasound. She said that the baby might miscarry, be stillborn, and if the baby was born would maybe survive hours at most. She mentioned termination of the pregnancy. I started to shake my head and say no right away, but she said that we should just take some time to think about all of this and that she would schedule an appointment with the genetic counselor and let my regular OB doctor know the results.
The results of this visit were written in my chart like this:
IMPRESSION
17 week IUP in transverse presentation.
Fundal placenta, no previa.
Adequate amniotic fluid volume.
Biometric measurements consistent with dates.
MULTIPLE FETAL ANOMALIES: proboscis, cleft lip
and palate, diaphragmatic hernia, cardiac defect,
echogenic kidneys, polydactyly, rocker bottom feet:
consistent with ffdna report of Trisomy 13.
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RECOMMENDATIONS
Please see consultation to follow.
The couple is scheduled to return to meet with the
genetic counselor next week and amniocentesis can be
done at that time if they decide they want it.
I actually had an appointment with my regular OB right after this one with the specialist. My doctor was so nice, so kind to us. She hugged both David and I and said that she was so sorry. She said that her concerns were taking care of me. She said that there is a higher chance that I could develop preeclampsia so they might have to take the baby early if that was the case. They would be checking urine and blood pressure at every appointment just like they would have done anyway. She said that she was going out of town the next week but would let another doctor from their practice that had delivered Lincoln know about me so I would have a familiar face depending on what we decided. She didn't say the word termination which I was so grateful for, so I first I thought she just might mean if we decided on the amniocentesis, but in looking back I think that she meant that she wanted us to have a familiar face if we decided termination.
Terminating this pregnancy or having an abortion was never an option for David and I. It was never something we had to decide - our beliefs, our faith, our religion, and just the way are we knew we wouldn't choose that path. God had given us this life. Our baby's life was sacred. We would never terminate our baby. Her heart even though it wasn't perfect was beating. She was a living soul growing inside of me and she was staying for as long as God would allow. I loved her from the moment I saw the positive on the pregnancy test, from the moment I knew she existed growing inside of me. I was her mommy. I was never going to let anything hurt her. It was my job to protect her, to take care of her, to love her in a way that no one else could or ever would.
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