I will carry you

The months and weeks that have passed since the end July when we found out for sure about Aven's diagnostic have been filled with good days and bad.  Some days I wouldn't even cry and then other days that was all I could do.  I would cry in the shower or getting ready in the morning or making dinner or at night after my the other kids were in bed and all was quite.  Nights were usually my Aven time - the time I thought about her and really allowed myself to notice all her kicks and movements.  I would place both hands around my growing belly and try to hug her and will her to stay and not to leave me yet.  The doctors comments and stories I would read about other babies with Trisomy 13 made me think that she might be born early or that her heart could stop while still inside of me at anytime.  Some days were very difficult as I was always wondering if today would be the day she would come or I wouldn't feel her anymore...

It was during this time at about 26 weeks that I got sick.  I had the flu and it was bad.  The stomach cramps and sickness was almost more painful then the worst of labor pains.  I got dehydrated and needed an IV to get me feeling better.  It took a couple weeks for me to feel better.  I couldn't eat much.  It was a difficult time.  It was during this time that I was ready to be done.  This trial - carrying this baby knowing that she would not make it on top of the sickness and everything I was going through was too much.  I was ready to be done and have it all end.  There was one point while I was sick that I was laying on the floor of the bathroom and I wanted to die... not really but I was in so much pain physically and emotionally that it felt like if I just died the pain would stop and I would be free.

One day when I was a little better, but not yet 100 percent I went to one of our church's temples to worship and do service, and try to find some peace.  It was at the temple that I finally found some peace.  I was in the temple and I got the feeling that God, my Heavenly Father was going to let me choose.  I got the impression while I was there that God was telling me if I decided that it was too much that He would be okay with that - He understood, but if I decided to continue and keep going He was okay with that too and He would help me get through.  He would help me carry my baby, He would help me get better, He would be there right by my side - but I could choose.  So I did.  I chose to keep going and to keep trying and to keep carrying my baby.  I chose to do this for Aven - for this precious little life growing inside of me.  Who all during the worst of this sick time was moving in my stomach like crazy.  I was so sick and yet she was moving around and was so strong.  I had to be strong for her too.  She needed me to be strong.  So I was going to try to be.  And I got better and the weeks went on.  I was able to do all I needed to do - To serve in our church, to be a good mom, a wife, a friend.  I was able to carry Aven and I was happy for the time we had together. God strengthened me and made me more than what I was before. My Heavenly Father also taught me a little about eternity that day while worshiping in the temple.  I believe in Him and that Aven can be mine forever. Even though I was carrying Aven in my tummy I know that God was carrying both of us. There is no way that I could have done this without Him.

There is a beautiful song called "I will carry you."  I listen to it and think of Aven.

Our Aven in a 3D ultrasound: October 2014